Husband kindly carries the laundry basket down the stairs (HINT- I have no clean clothes). I start the first load. I contemplate the array of soaps sitting on top of the machine (coupon score!). I recently bought one, and am pretty sure it's irritating my son's skin, but it is a BIG expensive bottle. To use, or not to use? I've used it a handful of times already.
That's when I notice it:
Did YOU see it? No? Let me spell it out. It's "Hand Dishwashing Liquid". Disguised in a laundry sized bottle, complete with laundry lookalike cap and appropriately labelled with super fine print. Not only is this a mom fail and a marketing fail, It's also a couponing fail (so much for the stellar deal I thought that I got!!).
Enter parade of small mom fails. Burnt toast. Baby found crawling in the shower.
Jam on the recliner. My house is messy. CONSTANT SHRIEKING, BANGING, YELLING, POLKING. Me yelling at son to stop slamming doors (this by the way, clearly makes for calmer children who don't slam doors), books hitting the back of the door after it's slammed, making good, 'clean', healthy treats and eating 75% of them myself, Baby who is 8.5 mos old and will not eat more than 2 bites of solid food, despite trying 3 times a day, every food under the sun, every texture under the sun! Aahhh! Also, the moment I looked at the baby monitor and saw this:
UM? THERE IS NO ONE IN THERE! Thank you big brother for adjusting the camera so that it appears the crib is empty! Small heart attack adverted after racing up the stairs and finding him curled up in the corner, just out of sight.
Everyone always says that having kids is a good excuse to have a messy house, but no one ever talks about the fact that sooner or later, they STILL have to clean it. I have actually recently thought about hiring someone to do the jobs I hate, like dusting the blinds and cleaning window ledges- IE the jobs that will probably never again be accomplished in my house until I am too old or to care but apparently the government disagrees that such costs should be covered by Employment Insurance.
It occurred to me last night as I was lying in bed, that maybe I'm trying to do too much. World slowly tilting, plates I am juggling starting to slip. But then I was too tired to really think about it!
I realized also that we as moms think that we are failing a LOT. There is judgement everywhere. For example, waiting in the grocery line: During the 16th minute and the third "NO, you may not have a Kinder Surprise", and Elderly gentleman joins the line behinds us. K responds to my NO, and gentleman shoots me a look and leaves the line behind us. Nothing has the ability to deflate your spirit like a little disapproval.
Probably I should admit to myself that these aren't mom fails, they are mom realities, and small ones at that. My kids are alive, and aside from the time I let the little fall out of the tent trailer, I've done a pretty good job of sustaining their existence. I don't really care about what people think of my parenting, generally speaking, but on those days where sleep is in short supply, it can be a bit too much.
There are also more mom successes than fails in a day. Somehow typing the parade of mistakes makes them feel small and insignificant rather than like a mountain building in front of me. Not that these are enormous things, but a pile of them put together can feel suffocating.
One reason I wanted to start this blog was to be active in my own thoughts. When these feelings and situations arise, I want to feel in control of my own destiny to fix them, or at least deal with them. I don't appreciate or have much compassion people who live in the world of woe is me (part of my dark side perhaps); and I want to be careful not to become one of them.
A small change in attitude seems to be brewing in my mind. A little less, "What can I reasonably do" and a little more, "What is it that I actually want to achieve?" I'm trying to think beyond the limits I previously set on myself. Perhaps a few too many sleepless nights has sent me on an irrational vision quest but it does seem to feel like a good idea.
And I do know one thing: nothing puts "Mom Fails" in perspective better than a third cup of coffee!
Hi Melissa, Nicole here.
ReplyDeleteI agree with so much of this. The sleep deprivation hits and the "mom fails" loom larger than they really are. It is definitely hard to keep the "fails" in perspective when you are in the intensity of the moment. In terms of juggling too much, I find myself constantly wondering this. But the answer is trickier than most because the ground is always shifting -- i.e. baby all of sudden changes and is now eating food (so less breastfeeding.... less taxing), toddler has a few words now (less frustration, less volume, nerves more stable). Juggling a job in the midst of parenting has its peaks and valleys too -- for me, the marking research papers and exams makes me crazy and I swear "it is too much", and then it subsides, I get a good sleep, some sweet baby snuggles, and all is well with the world. When people say "you are doing too much", I get kinda mad. I don't know if it's being defensive or not. In some ways the adrenaline (and oxytocin) is addictive, and I think as moms we walk a fine line; we don't always know we are crossing it (consistently) until we start suffering anxiety or insomnia or some other mental / health disorder.