Well here it is. It only took me two months to get this post together, but here are the moments, through becoming a parent of two, that have lead me back to myself.
Those of us with *ahem* challenging first children, took a little longer, perhaps, to warm up to the idea of having more than one babe. For me, that was about 21 months. At about 12 months, I entertained the thought. My eldest then hit what we fondly refer to as the 'horror stage' (it's existence confirmed by many equally shell-shocked parent friends) of approximately 15-20.5 months.
I recall it well. Characterized as, You understand me, but I can't understand You. You want to do what I do, but will NOT do as I say. You will SCREAM IRRATIONALLY about almost anything: Your shoe fell off, your ice cream melted, your shirt got too small and you loved it soooo frigging much. You get the idea.
Funny thing about time. That little developmental nightmare concludes, and 2 days later: I feel like having more babies! It's like that 6 months of torturous child raising didn't even happen. Once you've kept a shrieking, insomniac, ADHD, mentally unstable, violent little being alive (disclaimor: my child actually has NONE of the above labels, but I have Googled each of them at some point to see if he may have fit the criteria), your mental state becomes altered enough to think you'll be just fine to do it all again.
So... my husband and I start to ponder life with two children. How hard can it be? Two kids? There are two of us. I can handle one child on my own, surely two people can handle two children. Twice as hard, We can do it! Ha ha ha....
As other bloggers have ranted, it's not twice as hard. It's a different world. Something along the lines of, 6, 7, 8 times as hard! And here's the hilarious little sidebar: My second babe was a dreamy little dude. Laid back, happy, content. Our life still went sideways. I know I know.. I'm preaching to the choir.
Remember with one baby how you used to have a shower? I regularly sport a greasy look.
Remember with one baby, how you remembered to check and make sure your pants were on? I wore my slippers to town. Twice.
Remember with one baby, how you used to still have lunch dates with mommy friends, and grocery shop for a fun outing?
Lunch dates do not exist. If my family decides to eat out, it's usually to appease others who still figure eating out is "fun". It's actually more of a food throwdown- a race against the clock and a mommy show of entertainment to try and keep everyone seated and the food within a 5 ft radius of the table.
Anyway, HARD! Where does that difference lie, anyway?
With that first golden child, you are so busy getting to know life as a parent, you don't really care about where YOU as an individual fit into the mix. New roles, transitions, it's all good! It's pretty thrilling! You still visit with your friends. You clean your house during naps. You still do your fitness regime. You go on coffee dates and shop (for yoga pants, but still). You hold together some loose sense of organization and maybe even some sense of self.
Suddenly... two children, Um, hello life, where have you gone? It took me approximately 6 months to fully realize I had ditched pretty much every aspect of myself that used to define me. Some of those aspects I ditched gladly, others left me feeling exposed, lonely and like a super boring, yoga pant wearing slobby momma.
One child did not give me confidence. It gave me fear. Don't get me wrong: It showed me amazing love, taught me lessons. Mother hood also brought self doubt, constant comparison and moments that felt like pure failure. Despite these feelings, it's still relatively easy to maintain a nice, tidy outward orderly life appearance.
Exhibit A: There was a time when I would fear going to a busy park, only to be filled with horror if my two year old decided to take exception to some little princess on the slide and shove her off. Anxiety attack! Can't handle! Mom fail! Never returning to that park! Humiliated! Mom must have no control! (Inspired of course by a true story or two). All of those above attributes would rise to the surface, and I would scour in my mind how to do it differently, do it better, not let it every happen again. You're smirking, aren't you.
Enter two children. All of a sudden, you can't hide home, because your two kids will drive you NUTS if you do. You are forced to handle a royal showdown in Wal-Mart with the hawk-eyed disapproving moms (who always, by the way, show up during show-downs) tracking you down as you restrain your toddler and attempt to obtain goods to feed your family.
In those moments, you are forced to let go of the way others perceive you, critique your parenting, your anything really. You simply do what needs to be done. All of a sudden you just are, who you need to be, Because you have to be. What a concept, huh? Talk about being pushed in the deep end to figure out how to really swim.
Lets face it folks, we only truly let go, when there is no possible way that we can remain in control. For me, that moment hit almost the day my second son was born. I'm not saying it was for you.. but I learned pretty damn fast this way. Guess what? Not always being in control is not really a bad thing. It gives your kids freedom. It lets them explore, find self confidence, and lets you enjoy watching them do that. Once you free yourself from the judgement of others, your parenting gains the confidence of 10
I realize, when I spend time with my friends who have three children, more children, special needs children, extra challenging children, that I'll never be all the way there. They do amazing things I still have trouble coming to grips with- leaving their kids in cars to run an errand, turning their BACK to have a conversation, letting their littles retrieve dogs from burning buildings. No, I don't judge them. I know these behaviours come with more experience, less hands, less time, less fear about what the world thinks, and more knowledge about what their kids need.
Funny enough, these habits that bring judgement from others are freeing for the parent who experiences them. What a concept. Maybe what bothers those judgmental folk, is that parent doesn't even seem to be phased! Again, liberating!
This blog for me, marks the discovery of this self as I begin to build my life back up. It's pretty exciting, really. It all sounds so shocking, slightly forced, and at times scary, but the power that comes from trusting yourself as a parent that knows best for her kids is an amazing, empowering piece of myself that I am proud to wear daily.
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