The Momma Who is More Balanced When She Works.

I'm slowing bracing myself. 6 weeks, and I'll be re-entering the work force. Something you don't pay much attention to as you are getting ready to go off with your babies, is re-emerging from you house again after any given length of time as a professional. 

Things are different this time! I'm not so sleep deprived (my kids don't sleep, but now I just don't worry about it) I'm not having an anxiety attack about leaving my babies with strangers (I have possibly the best childcare on the face of the planet with someone who loves my kids like they are her own). I'm a lot more confident! But, yet, I am still very, very afraid. 

Turns out, this second baby business isn't only hard on your body, it's hard on your mind. I don't dare bake cookies without the timer (sorry to the attendees of my son's birthday party... I will be serving burnt goods to you all). Worst of all, the ability to focus on one thing at a time is completely gone. A to-do list swirls around in my head and never makes it onto the paper. Better yet, 80% of it doesn't ever get done.

A co-worker of mine has this philosophy about to-do lists: if you leave them alone for long enough, things end up completing themselves or no longer needing to be done. I thought she was a little nutty, but it turns out it is actually true. She has three kids, she should know! Take today. I needed  wanted to go to the grocery store. My oldest had other ideas. In fact, I ended up leaving him in a heap to sort himself out in the Superstore parking lot (praying he didn't get run over) and then leaving him in the car to kick the crap out of the door until he calmed down. Digressions aside, I didn't ever make it through the store. Turns out I was just fine without the visit! It's a mother's survival guide, being forgetful. Keeps us from getting too overwhelmed.

Perhaps the part of returning to work I am looking forward to the least is the peer judgement I KNOW I will be faced with.  It turns out, in this mothering world, the  majority of those who work part time or not at all, figure I am pretty much throwing the future of my child to the wolves by putting them in daycare full time. 

Ok, that may be a little harsh. But. I can pretty much guarantee that on my first day back, I'll hear no less than 3 times "Oh wow, you are brave. I only ever worked part time when my kids were little". 

I have now been at home for just under 11 months. They have been filled with beautiful family times, family vacations, milestones, and moments where we spend our days in our pj's. I have loved it. These maternity leave years are ones I wouldn't trade for anything. Seriously... these two.

BUT (and I speak solely for myself) there are, those of us who are better parents because we go to work. Sure.. I'd love to work a little less.. and at some point, when I figure out the right BALANCE FOR ME (see how I worked that in there?) I probably will. 

The truth is that If I stay home for longer than one more month, something terrible might happen. I might decide to stop getting out of my pajamas, stop planning play dates and crafts, and start turning the television on a little too often for my kids. There's a term for this: STIR CRAZY.  Yep. There is only a few ounces of full time stay at home mama left in this head of mine. I'm toddler crafted out. I need a break from fishing random objects out of toilets, finding my baby rolling around laughing in the bottom of the shower and drinking the dog water (all of the above were just from today, by the way).  Regardless, I am sure I will still get my fill of these things in evenings and on weekends. 

I promise I just cleaned the toilet before I took this picture.

It takes a special kind of momma who can stay home with her kids full time. That is not THIS type of momma. I have read the articles that argue any momma can and should probably stay home with the proper balance of "me" time, child time, spouse time. Yep. I am sure SOME of them can! This momma has another important piece that adds to her balance: She loves her job, her friends at work, and frankly, the mental stimulation that keeps my brain from exploding. 

I have this passion for my job... and that passion grows as my kids grow. How can a person not be excited to return to work, when they get to work with such amazing little people? I am not solely defined as being a mother, and wife. My work self is a part of my identity that I am proud of. 

So there you have it. This excited fear that lives within me. Will I be able to be on top of my professional game? Will I balance being at home without resorting to too many fast food dinners and missed workouts? Either way, I look forward to the challenge. I can only hope that I will let go of all the right things, and hang tight to those that matter most.